History of Fashion

By: Dallas Clayton | Illustrated By: Dallas Clayton | August 04, 2008 | Fiction

Clothes are crazy things that you wrap yourself in to make people want to have sex with you or think that you have money or are really good at playing a certain sport that you might just be OK at.

There are many different types of clothes in the world. Some of the best types of clothes are: Baja ponchos from south of the border in Mexico with pictures of drunk lizards having sex on them, stretchy pants made out of glitter fabric, shirts that turn into backpacks and hats you can put beer in.

Some of the worst types of clothes are: Hawaiian shirts, tuxedoes, clothes made out of chains and wet underwear (not from pee).

Over the years since clothes were first invented, many famous people have made clothes and become very important because of this. The two most famous brands that have ever made clothes are Tommy Hilfiger and Nike.

Tommy Hilfiger is famous because he makes the best coats (they’re waterproof!) and has a lot of red and white and blue colored things, which is really popular in America. Since America is the most popular country this makes Tommy Hilfiger the most popular brand.

Nike is the second most popular brand because they own Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan has thousands of dollars from playing basketball, and because of this he gets to make his own shoes. Michael Jordan can make lots of shoes every year. This means Nike makes a lot of money.

Other clothes that are good to have are camouflage clothes. With camouflage clothes you can hide from almost any attacker including bears. If you are going to get camouflage clothes you should also get one of those nets you can cover yourself with and some tree branches that stick to your face. They sell these types of things at army surplus stores.
Most people who run army surplus stores don’t like people with long hair (don’t trust them), so if you have long hair you should check your camouflage outfit before you leave the store because the man who runs the store might sell you bad camouflage that glows in the dark and might get you caught and killed by the very same enemy you are trying to hide from.

HOW CLOTHES ARE MADE?

Most clothes are made of out either animals or plants. The best type of animal to make clothes out of is a cow because you can eat all of the parts of it that you don’t want to wear. Also cows are big and easy to catch. The buffalo used to be the best animal to make clothes out of because you could wear its whole skin like a cape with the horns still attached and pretend to be a buffalo, but then people ate all the buffalos in the world and buffalos became endangered, and the only buffalos that are left are at the zoo. It is illegal to make clothes out of zoo animals. If they made it legal for just one day to make clothes out of zoo animals, I would make pants out of an elephant where the trunk was in the place of my ding-a-ling.

WHERE DO YOU GET CLOTHES?

Most clothes come from the mall. If you don’t get your clothes at the mall they are probably cheap clothes that people will call “bobo.” Bobo means crap. Crap means shit.
If you want to be successful, you can’t wear shit because people won’t trust you. So, you should get all of your clothes at the mall. Also the mall has a food court where you can get free samples of cinnamon pretzels, and there is a pizza that is so big that if you eat it, they will give you $50.

WHO DOESN’T HAVE CLOTHES?

People in other countries like Mexico and Africa and Russia used to not wear clothes.  But once the Internet was made, those people could get clothes from America, so it became easy for them to have good clothes. This is true about old people, too, because a long time ago, no one would wear clothes because it wasn’t against the law and AIDS didn’t exist yet, so it didn’t matter who you had sex with. This made it easy to be naked. Also it was warmer a long time ago because the sun was closer to the Earth. Now though, pretty much everybody has to wear clothes or they will go to jail. My cousin B.J. has been to jail before because he stole his grandmother’s Pontiac and used it to deliver weed. When the police caught him, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He told them to lick his balls and then they knocked him out and made it look like an accident.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE RUN OUT OF CLOTHES?

The world will never run out of clothes. This is due to the fact that there are more types of clothes than there are types of people. Because of this, even if we ever run out of a certain type of clothes, like pants, we can just replace them with whatever extra clothes exist, like sweaters. This is how sweatpants were originally made.

WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY CLOTHES WHEN I AM DONE WITH THEM?

When you are tired of wearing a shirt because it doesn’t look cool anymore, the best thing to do with it is throw it in the ocean. The salt water will dissolve most of it and whatever is left will get eaten by sharks. This is better than putting old clothes in the trash because homeless people can find them there and it would be weird to see a homeless person wearing your old shirt. (People might think it is you!) If you don’t live near an ocean you can just throw your clothes in a river or creek and the current will carry them to the ocean.

WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF CLOTHES?

In the future, most clothes will be able to fly. They will also be able to turn you invisible (but those will be super expensive) and they will make clothes you can eat. If I were going to eat any kind of clothes it would be a bra made out of chocolate.

In closing, people are never going to stop wearing clothes and clothes are only going to get better. This is why you should start a company that makes clothes, so that you can get rich and be able to fly wherever you want instead of being a doctor or something serious that sucks and doesn’t have good parties.

THE END.

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